The Magic of Leather

 Ritual is important. In the practice of magic ritual is the action that helps set the stage for focusing one’s intention. Much like BDSM provides stimuli that harnesses a similar energy. Sex magic is a practice that combines the two, with what we are doing we are splitting the difference between the two, taking the psycho dramatics of it and making it therapeutic. Role play is something that has been a common practice in psychotherapy for years. Given Freud’s interest in the occult this should not be a surprise. 

 

What we are not doing is the surface level mistake that was big in the goth scene in the 90s where every goth night became a Fetish night, and everyone was dressed up in fetish gear, but only casually spanked each other like a bunch of school children. The costume is only an aid in ritual, not the ritual itself. I have known many goths who claim to be into BSDM, but only the fashion, that alone is vanilla as hell, and they might as well go to Sunday school instead.  

 

  As for dress, while the theater of ritual can be important, I dress more for function than fashion. Something that allows for a full range of motion. I normally stay dressed, but boxers, shorts or a kilt is preferred. I had a fetish for the smell of leather and I enjoy wearing it, leather culture is from where modern BDSM came from, but just putting it on is only part of the process, the leather scene has a very structured hierarchy and traditions that have been passed on since post World War two when the troops came home and found themselves missing the company of men, While it is rooted in gay culture, it is not only limited to gay culture, and just being a queen does npot qualify you as an expert on the subject, in fact the younger generation seems to have learned less about what was passed own to them than generations before.  

 

At the end of the day, we are creating a space from which healing might be given the intention to occur. This is about energy and doing the magic to move that energy. An example of this and how using one’s mental illness in order to do that work would be as someone who is bipolar it is my manic side that carries the healing energy. It is the more depressed side that is the more aggressive. It needs the release of top space to bring me back up towards my higher self. Top space is the focused flow. It is more like my manic state when it is productive and not locked into obsessive or compulsive behavior that in turn can lead to anxiety if not balanced out. This however requires a great deal of self-awareness. Being self-aware means looking at things you might not want to see. Not only seeing those things but taking action to change them, as a session with us might release powerful energy, it is the change you make in your daily life that leads to sustained healing.

Feel free to contact us for more information regarding a consultation

Putting Your Back Into It

 

In normal play outside of a therapeutic session we might like to go hard, but in breaking the psychic walls down we are only using those tools we picked in recreational dungeons and applying them on a case-by-case basis in the most effective manner.  Up to this point we have focused on how we might apply this to a submissive, does this mean the dominants among us do not deserve healing or have to tough it out? Top Space is a more focused flow or the flow state artists work in. Many artists are also bipolar, and the flow exists in the manic swing. There can be a balance here, and part is showing up willing to work on that balance, productive but not in an obsessive or compulsive behavior space that if left unchecked builds into anxiety if not balanced out. 

 

If you are a top, we do not have time for me to teach you how to use all of your toys or how to be proficient with them. It is a good idea if you are topping to make yourself a target of some kind to practice on. That way you are not practicing on a living breathing person. There are plenty of videos on Youtube. I cannot advocate for the ones who look like they are twirling glow sticks at a rave rather than trying to hurt someone. 

 

Communication is always key, when we are first working with someone who will walk them through the level of pain to find what is going to be the one best of the situation. Give a light swat then stop to explain. 

 

“That was me at a 2, do you want me to dial it up or are you fine there for now?” 

  

 

Putting your back into a good session and breaking a sweat can prove to be a good work out. It's a good idea to get into shape before you begin this rather than using it as your sole means of exercise. If you do not, then you are not bringing your best self to the situation. The warmup phase of stretching is not just for the bottom, use stretching them to stretch yourself.  Unless you are seeking our coaching service, we are not laying out a plan of fitness for you. As a bottom in protocol, it is just as much the responsibility of the top to deliver what you are agreeing to. This means proper conditioning.

 

 How you take care of yourself is a reflection of who you are. Sure, this is one method of self-care, but the physical is just as important. Even as little as 20 minutes of exercise 3 times a week will make a difference. If you cannot make that kind of a commitment to yourself then you are not disciplined enough to stick with this either. I would focus on getting to a place where you can do that rather than doing a disservice to a prospective partner in this arena. 

 

“Wait don’t body shame me, it’s not fault...insert excuse xy & z “ 

 

How do you know? What effort have you put into changing? Do you watch what you eat and exercise, yet still find yourself in your current condition?  In this case it might be worth consulting a physician as there might be a more serious health issue. As with any fitness routine with this program you should make sure to consult a physician if you have had past injuries or health issues that make strenuous activities a risk. Anyone who tries to hide behind screams of calling people ableists, is nothing but an enabler, who would rather co-sign unhealthy behavior than seek the betterment of themselves and others. We are not here to coddle. This is a program of action.

So, You Decided to Talk....

Up to this point we have been guiding you through the preparatory stages of our program. We are taking a break from this to address the protocol of our organization. While we are overjoyed to have people expressing their interest and reaching out to us, we are going to establish our way of moving forward in our interactions with the public. We are thankful for every “like” and all of our readers and supporters, but in order to best help you we need to establish guidelines for what we do and do not tolerate. If you have not read our blog and have an understanding of what we are doing here, please do so perhaps most of your questions will be answered there. We are very short staffed, and our social media is handled by two people, for all of our mal followers who are under the impression this is run by a dominatrix whose DMs you are trying to slide into, a dominate top male handles the bulk of our social media, he is not opposed to working with males, but is not likely the image you are fantasizing about. Jokes on you. 

 What we need from you, aside from reading comprehension, is not unlike any conversation, a subject on which you would like to converse, a question or general inquiry is a good place to start. Otherwise, we are not mind readers and do not know how we can help unless you have at least a general idea of what you are looking for. BDSM might be something you have no experience in and our primary goal is to educate so we are happy to help but that is then what you need to let us know. Just “Hi” “Who Am I speaking to ?” “I would love to join you?” Or any vague general statements, are not how we start conversations here, BDSM requires an open mind and the ability to directly communicate, if you do not possess those then this is not for you. We do not have time to answer these ineffective queries, so whil we are flattered you are thinking of us, perhaps verbalize aloud how you are addressing us and see if that is how you would begin a conversation in the real world outside of your computer screen. We are not in the business of being nice guys and girls, we are here to educate and help in a direct way You will get the best response by using something like 

 “Hi here is what I am looking for , I am a 22 year old non binary ( or whatever gender you prefer) who is curious regarding what I have read here, what are some steps for me to take?” 

 “Hello master, my email is this please send me the protocol screener” “ I am not sure what you are doing but like the look of things and would like more info” from here we will direct you to the blog so reading ahead and doing your homework will get you further. We do send friend requests and reach out to thank you as much as we can, but time is a limited commodity so feel free to contact us using the guidelines above. If we sent this link to you that means we are suggesting what has been mentioned here, once again thanks for contacting us

This Way to Sub-Space

  As a top, it is important to get a verbal agreement at the beginning of each scene to make sure all parties are in a place where they can consent. Not drunk or on mind altering drugs. Unconscious means no consent. With protocol formalized there should be a clear-cut understanding of what is going to happen. Some these days still argue a signed contract doesn’t mean consent. Here we must be clear with you… if both parties have sat down and gone through a full negotiation and repeat back to one another the terms as they understand them and are unable to commit to what they agreed to do then this is not something that is an effective avenue for you. You need to focus on other forms of therapy until you are healthy enough to communicate in a fashion where your yes means yes and your no means no.  

Another bait and switch can occur in the general dynamic of d/s relationships at times. Some people are not always forthright or self-aware in their motives.  Structure and by laws can be laid out and still the other party will cast you in a fantasy role they want you to play and leave you as the last to know. This is often not revealed until you have refused to take on the role, they assigned you. This brings us back to my mantra of “I might be crazy, but I am not a mind reader”

If either party fails to express their needs and wants, they only have themselves to blame. That is why once an agreement is made, unless this is an organic dating / romantic relationship with established trust and boundaries it is a good idea to get them to sign off on the mission statement / purpose of intent. 

 

Subspace is much like the female orgasm. Many partners do NOT achieve it since they do not last long enough. It can be induced for shorter bursts of more intense play. Initially that is not the level of play we are going to start with. Going forward in the coming posts we will focus on the science of this process. 

 

Eventually we will get to a more intense program of action for the sake of looking at what actions create this subspace state. This is not the level of play we feel works best for therapy at the onset of using BDSM as your chosen form of healing. So, we are not going to start there. We offer remote sessions, the focus is trust, openness and grounding you in your own body. If you are dissociated from yourself, you first need to find a baselevel of grounding in your own skin before an in-person face to face session with us or anyone.

 

If this is something you have further questions regarding or want to apply for a trial remote session, feel free to contact us. Only direct and specific questions and requests will be answered, if you are unsure what you want message us with “I am unsure what I want but I am interested” any other forms will be replied to as you can imagine the levels of weirdness we get in this regard. Thanks for reading!

Power of Protocol

 

“What is the difference between abuse and BDSM?” Or “How can I tell if I am being abused in a BDSM relationship?”  and at times this even comes up as “What is the difference between a Dom and an Asshole” 

We are glad you asked! The code of BDSM is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  Safe here means you are only being hurt in the manner agreed upon in protocol. This is not only the physical logistics. Obviously, one must be informed as to how to properly operate all toys and equipment being used. It also crosses over into am I keeping the sub/ bottom safe in public play spaces when they are under my care. Am I aware of the space particularly if they are restrained in a fixed position and vulnerable? Another level being vulnerable.

Sane does not mean they have to be cured of all mental illness and symptoms. It does not even mean that they have to be in the best spot , what it means is they are in a place where they can think logically enough to know their limits. Considering what we are using BDSM for in this context, sane is going to be a moving target. If you are depressed and need to feel something to help lessen the gravity of the universe, then you might not be in your most sane state , but this is better than being in mania and wanting to try everything as you are pulled by a sense of grandiosity. Can you be honest with yourself and your partner in regards to what you.want. .

If the Top does not  feel they are in an adequate place to make these judgement calls themselves , then they would be doing the bottom a disservice and risking their health to carry on a scene. If you are a bottom and your top is angry, agitated or in any way in a spot where they might take out there bad place on you, decline to the bottom for them.  

It is not always so clear. Sometimes they have fooled themselves so well until you might not sense something is wrong until well after the fact. An example of this might be illustrated in what one of our Professionals had to say about a past experience. 

“ When I met my ex-wife ,BDSM was a central part of our relationship . This shifted to the point that eventually she only wanted to have vanilla sex. When this was brought up in couples therapy, she told our therapist. 

“I am not sure I was ever into BDSM I think I was just in a manic phase when we first met”  

Needless to say, that was a hard one to come back from.” 

The best mantra is .. “I am crazy, not a mind reader’. Communication is key, in the more lucid states that way we can convey to our partners the red lights to look for so they can make healthy choices for themselves.

Consensual has taken a few turns in the days of the #MeeToo movement. The current trend is to shout that consent can be withdrawn at any time even during a scene. This is true there are safe words and those should be honored. It is also important to have signed copies of protocol . Accountability is adulting. If we are in fact consenting adults then it is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone is not capable of doing this we refuse to work with them. 

If you have questions feel free to contact us. 

What We Are Doing

 In going forward with our look into mental illness and BDSM we will lean heavily toward bi-polar. We have personal experience with this so we are most  fluent in it.  That is not to say we do not deal with other conditions, it is on a case by case basis as some deal with stimulus better than others.  Many forward thinking doctors l agree that the DSM is used to prescribe medications. Mental health is on a spectrum. Not all  Bipolar 2s are going to share the exact same symptoms in the exact same ways. Just as survivors of sexual abuse can adapt in very different ways. Some might become hyper sexual while others  shut down sexually altogether.

“Why is there no mention of furries , littles , primals or my obsession with vampires, pirates Vikings etc? “

Because those things might fall into fetishes, but they are kink not BDSM. The same can be said of primarily sex based activity. No matter how far from vanilla sex these are. This includes fisting, sex bot and sex machines While it can be given sexual energy, BDSM in and of itself is about the power exchange and not sex. If it is just done for sexual stimulation without the power exchange it is a fetish not BDSM. this can crossover if it is intended to debase or humiliate the subject.  We are trying to facilitate and empathic healing experience as a top in the capacity of providing a therapeutic service. 

It is a misnomer that providing service is submissive. Medical play is a good example of this. It also shows where a kink crosses over into BDSM. The doctor or the nurse is in control of the actions performed so take on the role of top. This would change if the tables were turned, and the nurse was forced to perform oral sex on the patient in a consensual non consent fashion. If the patient was restrained and the nurse performed oral sex on them on their own accord then they would retain the top position. Given the nature of the work we are trying to do, consensual non consent as a form of exposure therapy is the very last thing we will discuss. It is the final frontier as it takes  a much greater sense of trust to suspend that sense of disbelief without being triggered. 

If you have questions or wish to discuss this path in further detail, please feel free to contact. When contacting, introduce yourself and state your interest and questions. Be very clear cut in what you would like to know, if you are unsure what your specific question is then say I am new but curious and we can provide information from there. As you can imagine we get all kinds of responses so we have to be direct in our dealings. Thank You for reading.

Your Inner Bondage

How did we get here in the first place ? This  question is not a simple one. It involves looking at the events in our lives that molded us. This narrative is not often heard, it is not a popular one in the kink community, which is great on escapism but personal accountability can be lacking.  . Since engaging in acts society might seem as deviant behavior creates certain stigmas, anything that points in a direction to perhaps people diagnosed with  bi-polar  disorder might have a higher chance of engaging in risky sexual behaviors ,  Much like the drug addicts and alcoholics are self-medicating their own issues. 

We are here to find a solution. Solutions can only be found by acknowledging the problem. If I was to trace back what got me into BDSM, we might look at the images currently fetishized and trace them backwards.  To this day I fetishize the  imagery. Wonder Woman’s  breasts  bulging against her bonds after being  chained to a  phallic rocket ship . However, need always comes first . There has to be the need for empowerment that started before this. You might see  where this train is going, you have started to think.  

“But wait I do not want to get into the therapy of this I just want to do this because I am curious if  BDSM feels good.” or you might be a dabbler who says “I just do it because it feels good” 

This is the definition of the term vanilla. I do not care if you are an experienced Shibari rope bunny, if you do it because it feels good, that it is vanilla.  Vanilla is the equivalent to a muggle when it comes to magic. It is a pedestrian state , a tourist or even a poseur. I think muggle is the most fitting comparison, since I feel that magic is based on focused intention. Doing things without intent is a state of sleepwalking.

 If this hurts your childish feelings , then it is time for you to wake up.  By wake up I do not mean that in terms of the Millennial phrase “woke”. They are still sleeping because whatever fashionable political rumor or opinion they read on social media is taken as fact, with society too lazy to look elsewhere for answers. That state of wakefulness is still asleep in requiring  no searching inward to find what resonates as truth, after being tempered with multiple perspectives and research.  

Western society is centered on instant gratification.  They want what they want when they want it. BDSM as we know it today came from the gay leather scene.  The lifestyle encompasses many expressions of sexuality.  Participants are  gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or falling into one of the many mixtures of sexuality and gender seen today.  I am all for every combination of this. On the kinsey scale I fall into the more butch side of bi-sexual .I tend to dominate men more than I engage in them sexually . We do not believe in right or wrong. I do not believe in good for evil. .I believe things are either effective or ineffective. It works or it does not work. If something doesn’t work it does not mean the problem is the action taking, it might just not be the most effective action for the situation . 

So if you are looking to find the most effective way to break out of ineffective patterns and dig into core issues in order to ground yourself back into your true self, feel free to contact us. When contacting us via Facebook, give us specific questions or just say and let us know what you are into.

Let's Get Started..

 We make all kinds of excuses to not do things, there is never enough time or money. But think about where we waste both of those things. How much time in the day do you waste scrolling on social media that could be better invested in your own personal health? Is an hour a week too much to commit? If so then how committed to bettering yourself are you ? The same can be said in regards to money. First off lets dispel the idea this is some major investment. There is almost nothing that has to be spent on equipment. In fact  a bed,  a yoga mat, or chair can do. I have bound plenty of people up to the playground equipment and trees . The same can be said of the toys you used or that are being used on you. Wooden spoons, rulers, and belts can all be effective. Your very hands are two of the most important tools. I like to have on gloves so I do not blister my palms when spanking. Plus the crinkle and pop of rubber being put on does a lot for some people. Remember what I said earlier this is a creative process so let your imagination go crazy. You might look at the stairs of your house one day and think I would like to be bent over and tied to the railing. 

  

Much like 12 step programs this is going to be a course of action. Just reading this book might give you new perspectives, but until this is put into practice it is all just theory. This might be the most difficult part for you if you live vicariously through social media and use technology as a wall to keep you safe. Social media gives us the illusion of connecting with others. If you find you spend more Facebook time with others than you do face to face time, the chances are less than average. 

But it is ok, we are  not asking you to rush into anything. This is something you should ease into slowly. Just because you learn what sub space is does not mean you should rush out in hopes of inducing it if you have problems being touched or being naked in front of someone else. Just because this is not the most gentle path does not mean you must immediately jump out of your comfort zone and run from anyone who tries to force you out of it too soon.. Sure you are eventually going to find yourself in the deep end, but it’s ok just to dip your toes in at the beginning, in fact that is what I want

After the assessment we are going to put together the “treatment plan” which is the course of action you and the partner of your choosing are going to embark upon.It is going to be broken down into six ten mnute actions. This is going to include the warm up and cool down period. This can be expanded over time, but no matter your level of experience I suggest sticking to one hour, as the focusing of intention is even more important than this kinky ritual we are arranging. There will be a need for longer sessions when we begin to use the scientific approach to stimulate the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. If this is something that has peaked your interest feel free to message us so we can assess what your journey could be.

Making it Click

 

This brings us right into internet dating as a pool to pull play partners from.  For both men and women, the challenges are more similar than the opposite sex would lead you to believe. Where men are notorious for just wanting to get a girl’s legs over their shoulders. Women can also seek connection for less than effective reasons. Wanting a free meal is an occurrence among college aged girls in a tough economy, as well as financial or emotional security. Though all of these motives could be attributed to any sex or persuasion. 

Present yourself in the most accurate light. Make sure bdsm is listed prominently in your interests. This helps avoid misunderstandings as the interaction progresses to where you want things to head. Some people might just like the idea of BDSM more than the reality. If someone is weirded out by it, then how line are they with your other interests? There are people who are into BDSM but kinks do not align.  They might not be into Shabari, which to me looks like making cats cradles with people. Either party could then have needs that would best be met outside of the relationship. 

This should however come with a warning. People might want to use you as a kink unicorn or just their BDSM stunt cock as they were curious about it. It might be something they have fantasized about , yet the reality might be different. If this is a priority to you and important for you to engage in with a partner then by all means bring it up at the front end or as soon as you are comfortable. Ask “Are You on Fetlife” since that lets me know they are not just skimming the surface if they know what that site is. Ask if they have been to the kink convention in my city. They might fall into more of the party naked camp with that, but at least knowing what that means they are going to be open minded and not starting at ground zero.  

This is not to say that all kink conventions or dungeons for that matter are stocked with people educated in BDSM. A scene of blubbery teens now grown into adults with it who if they were not jockeying the dungeon for social status would be still playing world of warcraft on a Saturday night. Under the guise of bdsm they have taken on a persona that gives them more of an edge that they normally lack outside in the real world, in doing this a culture devoid of bdsm leather roots springs and serves as an annex from their Star Trek conventions into a world of untapped potential partners they would not have a chance with otherwise. They often  use kink convention to only further advance their status in this culture or form similar social cliques at the local dungeon. They fool themselves into thinking it’s the length of their dragon tail whip that is a measure of their dominance.

Even panelists and presenters above, not all of them are qualified to embark on a healing journey with you. Many like hearing themselves talk and use such vehicles as chances to bolster their self-image and feed their ego, putting on a performance more than educating. There are no absolutes, and it takes navigating with discernment just like another social avenue.  

It is worth noting from the earlier example that just because you are compatible in a dating capacity does not mean you are going to be compatible in a d/s relationship so might need to look outside of that partnership to do so. This means you would need to have a partner who is comfortable with you doing so.    

In Search of ...

 The difference between healing and fixing. Fixing is defined as - you are picking up their pieces for them and then allowing them to rely on you for this.

 

 Healing is the natural process by which they improve themselves. 

   

 Do not try to heal yourself with people who cannot provide this.  A sick person is fine if they are trying to get better, Rather than a person who just tells you what they think you want to hear.

 

Where do you start? Are their local education classes being offered by a local dungeon? If so, someone who is actively trying to learn more is a good candidate.  Speakers at local conventions  are worth approaching if they are local.  More often than not an even larger percentage of these people will know what they are doing. This is not just for bottoms it applies to tops as well. An experienced bottom might be able to give you more insight into what they need ,as well as have a higher tolerance for pain.  It is hard to achieve top space if you do not have the time to get into the flow.

 

 If vanilla dating is your last resort and just because you met someone on Fetlife or or a Facebook ground does not mean they are not vanilla. Munches however are a better option. 

BDSM consists of something that becomes a more formal agreement, actually hanging out and getting to know the person helps translate into a  better flow of energy. This gives time for things to develop  naturally rather than forcing things into place. There have been people I have dated , where we got along great and even had fiery chemistry in bed where we would have sex for half the day, but the styles of play when it came to BDSM were different.

 They tended to avoid it because I had a heavier hand than they were used to. Since this was more of a dating environment than a D/S one we passed the point of where developing a formal protocol would not have been awkward and felt contrived, despite having  filled out a protocol screener. A few things can be learned from this example.

 First there needs to be a clear-cut goal. This should be communicated upon meeting in person or first date whatever the case may be. In order to reach a destination, you have to agree that is where you are going. If you develop something more than a d/s formal relationship with this person, beware the new car smell of romance causes chemicals you can get lost in and this might simmer on the back burner. It does not have to be as far as dating , either meeting for coffee and having a couple hours of really connected communication can work just as well. I do not have a set guideline I go by. I have met people who have told me beforehand they do not engage in any type of play on the first meeting. Set rules are fine , but life is about balance. Becoming rigid with rules can also stifle things. If you have ever played Dungeons & Dragons or any board game for that matter where the moderator got so bogged down in rules little was accomplished in the course of game play taking some of the fun from it. 

The second thing we can learn from that example is protocol like any other form of personal inventory doesn’t do much good if you do not go anywhere with it. In sales the quicker the turn around on following up a lead the more likely you are to close the sale. After coming up with the treatment plan it’s best to set up a play session within three days. Much like internet dating, people's attention spans have grown shorter.  With Swipe culture people and experiences can be seen as more disposable than they once were. With millions of people at the tip of your finger without follow up connections can get lost in the shuffle. If you would like more guidance in this regard please feel free to message us for a free consultation in this regard. 

In Good Hands

 In early sobriety the question addicts must answer for themselves is 

“Who am I without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

In how someone in recovery relates to others this question becomes 

“Whom am I to others without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

Personal experience finding this answer led me to dating my now ex-wife. In the beginning of our relationship   BDSM was a huge part of the equation. 9 months later things shifted when she got pregnant.  The level of play no longer seemed appropriate . Due to the pregnancy she stopped taking her psych-meds. This caused another shift. One day I woke to find all my things from her house on the front steps of my apartment. She did not return my calls for a week. During this time she decided to have an abortion and did not want me any outside  influence her decision.

 She made the right decision and I would have supported whatever she chose to do in this regard. When we reconvened everything went back to some semblance of normal and later got married,  but things were never the same. This came up  in marriage counseling, she told the therapist that BDSM had been part of a manic phase on her part and it was not something her normal or healthy self was into. What I took away and verbalized in that session was .  

“So wait what I am hearing you say is while bdsm is a part of my normal everyday reality for you it is something for your crazy side, which must mean that you think I am crazy?” 

It felt like a bait and switch to me. This was not the sole reason for our divorce , but factored in as I saw it as a matter of principle. Another therapist put it this way. 

“She did not know who she was , since you are further in your journey and more sure of what you want from life it was not going to work out because you shined a light on her self deception” 

We do not expect BDSM to be for everyone. It is a reasonable expectation if compatibility in that area is something that is a key selling point to look at how you're selling yourself or being sold.

We are not selling BDSM, but hoping to open minds to the possibility of this exploration for healing, as there is still much  further study on this subject.  We seek only to provide an  avenue that has empowered us in our own  struggles with mental illness. We believe this can aid those s suffering from mental illness, trauma induced ptsd brought on by physical or sexual abuse. Often many of these conditions are comorbid. We will  Some ll respond better than others to this form of stimuli. Some conditions like schizoaffective disorders will not find this appropriate at all. 

This can be added to supplement your current existing treatment plan.  The big question here is your current partner, someone who is capable of investing the needed energy. Not only can they physically do it , but how healthy they are.  We always want to assume the best about them. If we are prone to codependent tendencies in this regard we might even stick our heads in the sand when it comes to them. In case that is you, let us cut through the bullshit with this handy dandy checklist of things that would disqualify them from the job. 

 

1-Active alcoholic or addict...if they have had consequences from their drinking or drugging ? Have you  ever wished they would drink less, then that is a yes.   

 

2-Do they have a constant need to distract themselves with ...social media, television or video games

 

… but wait, that is most of society. Most of society is not self aware. This is half the reason they use those things to stay in this state. And that is a yes. 

 

3-Have they ever hit you or been violent with you outside of the bdsm scene ? 

 

4-are they diagnosed with a mental illness that they refuse to seek treatment for ? 

 

5-Are they not interested in bdsm ? 

 

6- are they unwilling to engage in regular exercise or show little regard for their health ? 

 

Most of these questions boil down to is this someone striving to better themselves? Why would you want to be dominated by someone who wasn’t ?  On the flip side if you are a top type and your sub checks off these red flags as well m you might need to consider your role and if you are enabling this . We are not trying to fix any one, we are engaging in an intentional exchange of energy conducive to healing. 

 

Feel free to contact us in regard to a free virtual session

Creating Flow

 We compartmentalize ourselves. Thinking of ourselves as the problem rather than part of the solution. We seek outside solutions for inside jobs. BDSM is a ritual to unpack those issues and find your true self. The place dominants get into is called top space of the flow. There are other activities that spark this flow, by writing I am doing it right now. I will lose all track of time when the words start coming. This is due to allowing myself to channel the great creative energy of the universe. My view on organized religion has not changed If people want to personify it and give it a proper name, that is their business, we here do the same, we just prefer other names and different archetypes. 

But wait you are saying this flow state comes from being creative. How is BDSM being creative? How is it not. To some extent it is theater. We are in a place where we are creating an experience for someone else, who has turned themselves to under our control in this moment. Now just the action itself is not creative. This is why it is a waste to get too caught up in the investment of toys. BY placing too much focus on them you are not investing on getting the job done. It is more effective to be able to walk into a room and be like a kink Macgyver and immediately identify things to hurt people with.  

Taking a more intentional focus is lie changing. In our personal play we might not have used the more therapeutic personal touch this program is going to lay out. Giving touch to other makes you more willing to be open to those around me. In the early days of my I jumped or get ready to defend myself if any sudden movements were made in the direction t. One of my first actual dates in sobriety found me dissociating when the girl grabbed my hair when kisses me. I apparently said

“He doesn’t like it “ 

I tried to laugh off and act like I did not say anything. I was not too sure what happened as something trigger me and I way on the outside of myself looking in like a passenger in my own body being propelled outward as if from an ejection seat. This person was damaged in a somewhat similar way and understood. She went on her own journey in defining her sexuality, but we have retained a friendship for 20 years . Before doing the work I have done, I was not able to maintain healthy friendships not based around drugs and alcohol for any great length of time. Drugs were the one common ground I could find with like minded, and they kept them at arm's length giving the illusion of being close. Funny enough this is not unlike how most people interact on social media, which can also become an addictive process

To find out how to start your journey please contact us.

Meat of the Matter

 As we progress further in this exploration you are going to see us use the word “top” as a term to describe the dominant role. This does not like in gay culture refer to who is on top in the sexual sense. Any of my partners will confirm that even if they are on top of me during sex I am still in control.   I don't like the term “ Dom” . It carries an  ego centered energy. Most of this comes from the social context it is now used in thanks to sites like Fetlife. Using it to bolster an inflated macho sense of self seems childish to me.

We have heard all the negative experiences regarding would be "doms" . I heard many from girls I have dated who have all typically had an interest in BDSM or a past  a boyfriend who was into it to some degree , more often than not calling himself a dom, normally they turned out to have only dabbled in impact play.  When exposed to a different reality of what BDSM could be they found they might not be ready for that or not as into it as they thought. I had one person say to me “I feel bad because I want to be that girl for you who does that “ 

I prefer everyone to be themselves. If you are not sure who you are then do some sightseeing. A Wartenberg wheel might be as intense as it gets for you. Maybe your thing is tickling , it is not in my definition of BDSM unless restraints are used then a lighter form of torture. It might not be in the realm of play in my world But if that is where your inclinations go then follow that. 

There are things not listed on our screener . Golden showers are not included on it. If this is the form of debasement you need then include it on your sheet. There are plenty of people in this world who will partake of that with you. We are not using that as a tool here in this program, unless we are doing a shower scene in personal time. It is not permitted in the dungeons I work in either. If asked why I normally tell them if we let one body fluid out of the bag then we will have to let them all out. Color me a prude. 

As a top I think it is useful to fill out a screener for yourself, it’s almost like menu of services offered. I will fill one out later to demonstrate this. I can be a useful tool for bottoms to with their tops with. One thing Fetlife is useful for is allowing you to post a dictionary of your kink and proclivities . It is as a useful way of having that information out there to potential play partners to see if interests align. 

To receive a screen feel free to contact us at wcifer@gmail.com or via our Facebook page , thank you and happy beatings to you all.