In early sobriety the question addicts must answer for themselves is
“Who am I without drugs and alcohol in the equation?”
In how someone in recovery relates to others this question becomes
“Whom am I to others without drugs and alcohol in the equation?”
Personal experience finding this answer led me to dating my now ex-wife. In the beginning of our relationship BDSM was a huge part of the equation. 9 months later things shifted when she got pregnant. The level of play no longer seemed appropriate . Due to the pregnancy she stopped taking her psych-meds. This caused another shift. One day I woke to find all my things from her house on the front steps of my apartment. She did not return my calls for a week. During this time she decided to have an abortion and did not want me any outside influence her decision.
She made the right decision and I would have supported whatever she chose to do in this regard. When we reconvened everything went back to some semblance of normal and later got married, but things were never the same. This came up in marriage counseling, she told the therapist that BDSM had been part of a manic phase on her part and it was not something her normal or healthy self was into. What I took away and verbalized in that session was .
“So wait what I am hearing you say is while bdsm is a part of my normal everyday reality for you it is something for your crazy side, which must mean that you think I am crazy?”
It felt like a bait and switch to me. This was not the sole reason for our divorce , but factored in as I saw it as a matter of principle. Another therapist put it this way.
“She did not know who she was , since you are further in your journey and more sure of what you want from life it was not going to work out because you shined a light on her self deception”
We do not expect BDSM to be for everyone. It is a reasonable expectation if compatibility in that area is something that is a key selling point to look at how you're selling yourself or being sold.
We are not selling BDSM, but hoping to open minds to the possibility of this exploration for healing, as there is still much further study on this subject. We seek only to provide an avenue that has empowered us in our own struggles with mental illness. We believe this can aid those s suffering from mental illness, trauma induced ptsd brought on by physical or sexual abuse. Often many of these conditions are comorbid. We will Some ll respond better than others to this form of stimuli. Some conditions like schizoaffective disorders will not find this appropriate at all.
This can be added to supplement your current existing treatment plan. The big question here is your current partner, someone who is capable of investing the needed energy. Not only can they physically do it , but how healthy they are. We always want to assume the best about them. If we are prone to codependent tendencies in this regard we might even stick our heads in the sand when it comes to them. In case that is you, let us cut through the bullshit with this handy dandy checklist of things that would disqualify them from the job.
1-Active alcoholic or addict...if they have had consequences from their drinking or drugging ? Have you ever wished they would drink less, then that is a yes.
2-Do they have a constant need to distract themselves with ...social media, television or video games
… but wait, that is most of society. Most of society is not self aware. This is half the reason they use those things to stay in this state. And that is a yes.
3-Have they ever hit you or been violent with you outside of the bdsm scene ?
4-are they diagnosed with a mental illness that they refuse to seek treatment for ?
5-Are they not interested in bdsm ?
6- are they unwilling to engage in regular exercise or show little regard for their health ?
Most of these questions boil down to is this someone striving to better themselves? Why would you want to be dominated by someone who wasn’t ? On the flip side if you are a top type and your sub checks off these red flags as well m you might need to consider your role and if you are enabling this . We are not trying to fix any one, we are engaging in an intentional exchange of energy conducive to healing.
Feel free to contact us in regard to a free virtual session
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