Power of Protocol

 

“What is the difference between abuse and BDSM?” Or “How can I tell if I am being abused in a BDSM relationship?”  and at times this even comes up as “What is the difference between a Dom and an Asshole” 

We are glad you asked! The code of BDSM is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  Safe here means you are only being hurt in the manner agreed upon in protocol. This is not only the physical logistics. Obviously, one must be informed as to how to properly operate all toys and equipment being used. It also crosses over into am I keeping the sub/ bottom safe in public play spaces when they are under my care. Am I aware of the space particularly if they are restrained in a fixed position and vulnerable? Another level being vulnerable.

Sane does not mean they have to be cured of all mental illness and symptoms. It does not even mean that they have to be in the best spot , what it means is they are in a place where they can think logically enough to know their limits. Considering what we are using BDSM for in this context, sane is going to be a moving target. If you are depressed and need to feel something to help lessen the gravity of the universe, then you might not be in your most sane state , but this is better than being in mania and wanting to try everything as you are pulled by a sense of grandiosity. Can you be honest with yourself and your partner in regards to what you.want. .

If the Top does not  feel they are in an adequate place to make these judgement calls themselves , then they would be doing the bottom a disservice and risking their health to carry on a scene. If you are a bottom and your top is angry, agitated or in any way in a spot where they might take out there bad place on you, decline to the bottom for them.  

It is not always so clear. Sometimes they have fooled themselves so well until you might not sense something is wrong until well after the fact. An example of this might be illustrated in what one of our Professionals had to say about a past experience. 

“ When I met my ex-wife ,BDSM was a central part of our relationship . This shifted to the point that eventually she only wanted to have vanilla sex. When this was brought up in couples therapy, she told our therapist. 

“I am not sure I was ever into BDSM I think I was just in a manic phase when we first met”  

Needless to say, that was a hard one to come back from.” 

The best mantra is .. “I am crazy, not a mind reader’. Communication is key, in the more lucid states that way we can convey to our partners the red lights to look for so they can make healthy choices for themselves.

Consensual has taken a few turns in the days of the #MeeToo movement. The current trend is to shout that consent can be withdrawn at any time even during a scene. This is true there are safe words and those should be honored. It is also important to have signed copies of protocol . Accountability is adulting. If we are in fact consenting adults then it is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone is not capable of doing this we refuse to work with them. 

If you have questions feel free to contact us.