Let's Get Started..

 We make all kinds of excuses to not do things, there is never enough time or money. But think about where we waste both of those things. How much time in the day do you waste scrolling on social media that could be better invested in your own personal health? Is an hour a week too much to commit? If so then how committed to bettering yourself are you ? The same can be said in regards to money. First off lets dispel the idea this is some major investment. There is almost nothing that has to be spent on equipment. In fact  a bed,  a yoga mat, or chair can do. I have bound plenty of people up to the playground equipment and trees . The same can be said of the toys you used or that are being used on you. Wooden spoons, rulers, and belts can all be effective. Your very hands are two of the most important tools. I like to have on gloves so I do not blister my palms when spanking. Plus the crinkle and pop of rubber being put on does a lot for some people. Remember what I said earlier this is a creative process so let your imagination go crazy. You might look at the stairs of your house one day and think I would like to be bent over and tied to the railing. 

  

Much like 12 step programs this is going to be a course of action. Just reading this book might give you new perspectives, but until this is put into practice it is all just theory. This might be the most difficult part for you if you live vicariously through social media and use technology as a wall to keep you safe. Social media gives us the illusion of connecting with others. If you find you spend more Facebook time with others than you do face to face time, the chances are less than average. 

But it is ok, we are  not asking you to rush into anything. This is something you should ease into slowly. Just because you learn what sub space is does not mean you should rush out in hopes of inducing it if you have problems being touched or being naked in front of someone else. Just because this is not the most gentle path does not mean you must immediately jump out of your comfort zone and run from anyone who tries to force you out of it too soon.. Sure you are eventually going to find yourself in the deep end, but it’s ok just to dip your toes in at the beginning, in fact that is what I want

After the assessment we are going to put together the “treatment plan” which is the course of action you and the partner of your choosing are going to embark upon.It is going to be broken down into six ten mnute actions. This is going to include the warm up and cool down period. This can be expanded over time, but no matter your level of experience I suggest sticking to one hour, as the focusing of intention is even more important than this kinky ritual we are arranging. There will be a need for longer sessions when we begin to use the scientific approach to stimulate the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. If this is something that has peaked your interest feel free to message us so we can assess what your journey could be.

Making it Click

 

This brings us right into internet dating as a pool to pull play partners from.  For both men and women, the challenges are more similar than the opposite sex would lead you to believe. Where men are notorious for just wanting to get a girl’s legs over their shoulders. Women can also seek connection for less than effective reasons. Wanting a free meal is an occurrence among college aged girls in a tough economy, as well as financial or emotional security. Though all of these motives could be attributed to any sex or persuasion. 

Present yourself in the most accurate light. Make sure bdsm is listed prominently in your interests. This helps avoid misunderstandings as the interaction progresses to where you want things to head. Some people might just like the idea of BDSM more than the reality. If someone is weirded out by it, then how line are they with your other interests? There are people who are into BDSM but kinks do not align.  They might not be into Shabari, which to me looks like making cats cradles with people. Either party could then have needs that would best be met outside of the relationship. 

This should however come with a warning. People might want to use you as a kink unicorn or just their BDSM stunt cock as they were curious about it. It might be something they have fantasized about , yet the reality might be different. If this is a priority to you and important for you to engage in with a partner then by all means bring it up at the front end or as soon as you are comfortable. Ask “Are You on Fetlife” since that lets me know they are not just skimming the surface if they know what that site is. Ask if they have been to the kink convention in my city. They might fall into more of the party naked camp with that, but at least knowing what that means they are going to be open minded and not starting at ground zero.  

This is not to say that all kink conventions or dungeons for that matter are stocked with people educated in BDSM. A scene of blubbery teens now grown into adults with it who if they were not jockeying the dungeon for social status would be still playing world of warcraft on a Saturday night. Under the guise of bdsm they have taken on a persona that gives them more of an edge that they normally lack outside in the real world, in doing this a culture devoid of bdsm leather roots springs and serves as an annex from their Star Trek conventions into a world of untapped potential partners they would not have a chance with otherwise. They often  use kink convention to only further advance their status in this culture or form similar social cliques at the local dungeon. They fool themselves into thinking it’s the length of their dragon tail whip that is a measure of their dominance.

Even panelists and presenters above, not all of them are qualified to embark on a healing journey with you. Many like hearing themselves talk and use such vehicles as chances to bolster their self-image and feed their ego, putting on a performance more than educating. There are no absolutes, and it takes navigating with discernment just like another social avenue.  

It is worth noting from the earlier example that just because you are compatible in a dating capacity does not mean you are going to be compatible in a d/s relationship so might need to look outside of that partnership to do so. This means you would need to have a partner who is comfortable with you doing so.    

In Search of ...

 The difference between healing and fixing. Fixing is defined as - you are picking up their pieces for them and then allowing them to rely on you for this.

 

 Healing is the natural process by which they improve themselves. 

   

 Do not try to heal yourself with people who cannot provide this.  A sick person is fine if they are trying to get better, Rather than a person who just tells you what they think you want to hear.

 

Where do you start? Are their local education classes being offered by a local dungeon? If so, someone who is actively trying to learn more is a good candidate.  Speakers at local conventions  are worth approaching if they are local.  More often than not an even larger percentage of these people will know what they are doing. This is not just for bottoms it applies to tops as well. An experienced bottom might be able to give you more insight into what they need ,as well as have a higher tolerance for pain.  It is hard to achieve top space if you do not have the time to get into the flow.

 

 If vanilla dating is your last resort and just because you met someone on Fetlife or or a Facebook ground does not mean they are not vanilla. Munches however are a better option. 

BDSM consists of something that becomes a more formal agreement, actually hanging out and getting to know the person helps translate into a  better flow of energy. This gives time for things to develop  naturally rather than forcing things into place. There have been people I have dated , where we got along great and even had fiery chemistry in bed where we would have sex for half the day, but the styles of play when it came to BDSM were different.

 They tended to avoid it because I had a heavier hand than they were used to. Since this was more of a dating environment than a D/S one we passed the point of where developing a formal protocol would not have been awkward and felt contrived, despite having  filled out a protocol screener. A few things can be learned from this example.

 First there needs to be a clear-cut goal. This should be communicated upon meeting in person or first date whatever the case may be. In order to reach a destination, you have to agree that is where you are going. If you develop something more than a d/s formal relationship with this person, beware the new car smell of romance causes chemicals you can get lost in and this might simmer on the back burner. It does not have to be as far as dating , either meeting for coffee and having a couple hours of really connected communication can work just as well. I do not have a set guideline I go by. I have met people who have told me beforehand they do not engage in any type of play on the first meeting. Set rules are fine , but life is about balance. Becoming rigid with rules can also stifle things. If you have ever played Dungeons & Dragons or any board game for that matter where the moderator got so bogged down in rules little was accomplished in the course of game play taking some of the fun from it. 

The second thing we can learn from that example is protocol like any other form of personal inventory doesn’t do much good if you do not go anywhere with it. In sales the quicker the turn around on following up a lead the more likely you are to close the sale. After coming up with the treatment plan it’s best to set up a play session within three days. Much like internet dating, people's attention spans have grown shorter.  With Swipe culture people and experiences can be seen as more disposable than they once were. With millions of people at the tip of your finger without follow up connections can get lost in the shuffle. If you would like more guidance in this regard please feel free to message us for a free consultation in this regard. 

In Good Hands

 In early sobriety the question addicts must answer for themselves is 

“Who am I without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

In how someone in recovery relates to others this question becomes 

“Whom am I to others without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

Personal experience finding this answer led me to dating my now ex-wife. In the beginning of our relationship   BDSM was a huge part of the equation. 9 months later things shifted when she got pregnant.  The level of play no longer seemed appropriate . Due to the pregnancy she stopped taking her psych-meds. This caused another shift. One day I woke to find all my things from her house on the front steps of my apartment. She did not return my calls for a week. During this time she decided to have an abortion and did not want me any outside  influence her decision.

 She made the right decision and I would have supported whatever she chose to do in this regard. When we reconvened everything went back to some semblance of normal and later got married,  but things were never the same. This came up  in marriage counseling, she told the therapist that BDSM had been part of a manic phase on her part and it was not something her normal or healthy self was into. What I took away and verbalized in that session was .  

“So wait what I am hearing you say is while bdsm is a part of my normal everyday reality for you it is something for your crazy side, which must mean that you think I am crazy?” 

It felt like a bait and switch to me. This was not the sole reason for our divorce , but factored in as I saw it as a matter of principle. Another therapist put it this way. 

“She did not know who she was , since you are further in your journey and more sure of what you want from life it was not going to work out because you shined a light on her self deception” 

We do not expect BDSM to be for everyone. It is a reasonable expectation if compatibility in that area is something that is a key selling point to look at how you're selling yourself or being sold.

We are not selling BDSM, but hoping to open minds to the possibility of this exploration for healing, as there is still much  further study on this subject.  We seek only to provide an  avenue that has empowered us in our own  struggles with mental illness. We believe this can aid those s suffering from mental illness, trauma induced ptsd brought on by physical or sexual abuse. Often many of these conditions are comorbid. We will  Some ll respond better than others to this form of stimuli. Some conditions like schizoaffective disorders will not find this appropriate at all. 

This can be added to supplement your current existing treatment plan.  The big question here is your current partner, someone who is capable of investing the needed energy. Not only can they physically do it , but how healthy they are.  We always want to assume the best about them. If we are prone to codependent tendencies in this regard we might even stick our heads in the sand when it comes to them. In case that is you, let us cut through the bullshit with this handy dandy checklist of things that would disqualify them from the job. 

 

1-Active alcoholic or addict...if they have had consequences from their drinking or drugging ? Have you  ever wished they would drink less, then that is a yes.   

 

2-Do they have a constant need to distract themselves with ...social media, television or video games

 

… but wait, that is most of society. Most of society is not self aware. This is half the reason they use those things to stay in this state. And that is a yes. 

 

3-Have they ever hit you or been violent with you outside of the bdsm scene ? 

 

4-are they diagnosed with a mental illness that they refuse to seek treatment for ? 

 

5-Are they not interested in bdsm ? 

 

6- are they unwilling to engage in regular exercise or show little regard for their health ? 

 

Most of these questions boil down to is this someone striving to better themselves? Why would you want to be dominated by someone who wasn’t ?  On the flip side if you are a top type and your sub checks off these red flags as well m you might need to consider your role and if you are enabling this . We are not trying to fix any one, we are engaging in an intentional exchange of energy conducive to healing. 

 

Feel free to contact us in regard to a free virtual session

Creating Flow

 We compartmentalize ourselves. Thinking of ourselves as the problem rather than part of the solution. We seek outside solutions for inside jobs. BDSM is a ritual to unpack those issues and find your true self. The place dominants get into is called top space of the flow. There are other activities that spark this flow, by writing I am doing it right now. I will lose all track of time when the words start coming. This is due to allowing myself to channel the great creative energy of the universe. My view on organized religion has not changed If people want to personify it and give it a proper name, that is their business, we here do the same, we just prefer other names and different archetypes. 

But wait you are saying this flow state comes from being creative. How is BDSM being creative? How is it not. To some extent it is theater. We are in a place where we are creating an experience for someone else, who has turned themselves to under our control in this moment. Now just the action itself is not creative. This is why it is a waste to get too caught up in the investment of toys. BY placing too much focus on them you are not investing on getting the job done. It is more effective to be able to walk into a room and be like a kink Macgyver and immediately identify things to hurt people with.  

Taking a more intentional focus is lie changing. In our personal play we might not have used the more therapeutic personal touch this program is going to lay out. Giving touch to other makes you more willing to be open to those around me. In the early days of my I jumped or get ready to defend myself if any sudden movements were made in the direction t. One of my first actual dates in sobriety found me dissociating when the girl grabbed my hair when kisses me. I apparently said

“He doesn’t like it “ 

I tried to laugh off and act like I did not say anything. I was not too sure what happened as something trigger me and I way on the outside of myself looking in like a passenger in my own body being propelled outward as if from an ejection seat. This person was damaged in a somewhat similar way and understood. She went on her own journey in defining her sexuality, but we have retained a friendship for 20 years . Before doing the work I have done, I was not able to maintain healthy friendships not based around drugs and alcohol for any great length of time. Drugs were the one common ground I could find with like minded, and they kept them at arm's length giving the illusion of being close. Funny enough this is not unlike how most people interact on social media, which can also become an addictive process

To find out how to start your journey please contact us.

Meat of the Matter

 As we progress further in this exploration you are going to see us use the word “top” as a term to describe the dominant role. This does not like in gay culture refer to who is on top in the sexual sense. Any of my partners will confirm that even if they are on top of me during sex I am still in control.   I don't like the term “ Dom” . It carries an  ego centered energy. Most of this comes from the social context it is now used in thanks to sites like Fetlife. Using it to bolster an inflated macho sense of self seems childish to me.

We have heard all the negative experiences regarding would be "doms" . I heard many from girls I have dated who have all typically had an interest in BDSM or a past  a boyfriend who was into it to some degree , more often than not calling himself a dom, normally they turned out to have only dabbled in impact play.  When exposed to a different reality of what BDSM could be they found they might not be ready for that or not as into it as they thought. I had one person say to me “I feel bad because I want to be that girl for you who does that “ 

I prefer everyone to be themselves. If you are not sure who you are then do some sightseeing. A Wartenberg wheel might be as intense as it gets for you. Maybe your thing is tickling , it is not in my definition of BDSM unless restraints are used then a lighter form of torture. It might not be in the realm of play in my world But if that is where your inclinations go then follow that. 

There are things not listed on our screener . Golden showers are not included on it. If this is the form of debasement you need then include it on your sheet. There are plenty of people in this world who will partake of that with you. We are not using that as a tool here in this program, unless we are doing a shower scene in personal time. It is not permitted in the dungeons I work in either. If asked why I normally tell them if we let one body fluid out of the bag then we will have to let them all out. Color me a prude. 

As a top I think it is useful to fill out a screener for yourself, it’s almost like menu of services offered. I will fill one out later to demonstrate this. I can be a useful tool for bottoms to with their tops with. One thing Fetlife is useful for is allowing you to post a dictionary of your kink and proclivities . It is as a useful way of having that information out there to potential play partners to see if interests align. 

To receive a screen feel free to contact us at wcifer@gmail.com or via our Facebook page , thank you and happy beatings to you all.

Further Down the Path

 

Having always been left of center, this mission makes sense as it takes someone left of center to present a concept like this. As recently as the 1950s psychiatry was thought of as a new fleeting form of medicine that was just a fruitcake trend to the normal populace of the time. That makes this an even more stigmatized form of treatment though none less valid. The problem for most people is we are taking a stigmatized culture and applying it as the solution to a stigmatized problem.  Not only that but it is being brought to you by an ex-drug addict pagan who dresses up in leather and beats people for his kicks. 

This is nothing new as I have spent my life as the square peg for round holes. Yes, you with the dirty mind I can hear you snickering at that metaphor. All of my interests are making me a marginalized outsider. BDSM and my bi-polar disorder are only the tip of the iceberg. I am into horror movies a satanic heavy metal, I grew up immersed in goth culture, too goth for the metal kids and too metal for the goth kids. As an adult I still read comic books, watch horror movies and play Dungeons & Dragons though all the above is seeing a comeback as the geeks are inheriting the earth, built most of my life they have made me an acquired taste, 

My daughter took to wearing a wolf tail and her mother became concerned. She not only thought this would lead her to grow up and become a furry, but what would the other children think? To which I replied who cares? It is not like I was not a kid before with the same adjustment issues. I think it builds character. Granted I was a decent sized kid who knew how to fight. I did not carry myself as someone to bully. There were perhaps a few words about my long hair, I do not think these are any of the things that caused my fists to fly.  I think this also made me a champion of the loners. The takeaway here is that people can only see you as a stigmatized group if you let them. My therapist Sand who I told you I would reference throughout once said to me

'' We train people how we want them to treat us” 

This is not to say take a cue from teenage me and break out into fisticuffs. Though I AM Not going to pass judgement on you if it does come down to this. If you. If you do not care about what you think then your actions and the way you carry yourself in turn show them this. You are less drawn into their field of gravity as you would not give them the reaction, they are seeking in the first place. My friend who is an elderly black man was around for stonewall and the Studio 51 days. When the topic of gay marriage came up he said

“I do not see what the big deal is. If you want to get married go ahead and you do it. Why make a big show of it? Who cares what other people think, there is no need to make a scene about you and your partner or are you just trying to get approval? "

Do not engage in bdsm for the approval of your partner. Nor should you no pursue this if your partner doesn't approve of it as there are other people in the world that might need this connection. Perhaps they are married to someone with this attitude. It does not have to be a sexual thing, in fact if you make it one then it goes to show you are not getting your needs met in other areas of the relationship either, If thi is a topic that brings up resentments then there is an even bigger problem and they might not be the right partner for you, Sure relationships are about compromise , but that compromise is not compromising who you are. That is not love. They love the idea of you not who you really are.  This should not be something that brings up jealousy.

“But it is only human to have jealousy, in fact it is healthy” 

It is not healthy to try and allow your insecurities to stand in the way of someone trying to follow their true path to healing. This is not for everyone. But if it is for you then it is a must to have a supportive partner that knows this has nothing to do with them, except for the fact that by allowing you to strive towards being the most usefully whole version of yourself you are supporting the relationship as a whole. 

Feel free to contact us with any questions and book a free online consultation today