This Way to Sub-Space

  As a top, it is important to get a verbal agreement at the beginning of each scene to make sure all parties are in a place where they can consent. Not drunk or on mind altering drugs. Unconscious means no consent. With protocol formalized there should be a clear-cut understanding of what is going to happen. Some these days still argue a signed contract doesn’t mean consent. Here we must be clear with you… if both parties have sat down and gone through a full negotiation and repeat back to one another the terms as they understand them and are unable to commit to what they agreed to do then this is not something that is an effective avenue for you. You need to focus on other forms of therapy until you are healthy enough to communicate in a fashion where your yes means yes and your no means no.  

Another bait and switch can occur in the general dynamic of d/s relationships at times. Some people are not always forthright or self-aware in their motives.  Structure and by laws can be laid out and still the other party will cast you in a fantasy role they want you to play and leave you as the last to know. This is often not revealed until you have refused to take on the role, they assigned you. This brings us back to my mantra of “I might be crazy, but I am not a mind reader”

If either party fails to express their needs and wants, they only have themselves to blame. That is why once an agreement is made, unless this is an organic dating / romantic relationship with established trust and boundaries it is a good idea to get them to sign off on the mission statement / purpose of intent. 

 

Subspace is much like the female orgasm. Many partners do NOT achieve it since they do not last long enough. It can be induced for shorter bursts of more intense play. Initially that is not the level of play we are going to start with. Going forward in the coming posts we will focus on the science of this process. 

 

Eventually we will get to a more intense program of action for the sake of looking at what actions create this subspace state. This is not the level of play we feel works best for therapy at the onset of using BDSM as your chosen form of healing. So, we are not going to start there. We offer remote sessions, the focus is trust, openness and grounding you in your own body. If you are dissociated from yourself, you first need to find a baselevel of grounding in your own skin before an in-person face to face session with us or anyone.

 

If this is something you have further questions regarding or want to apply for a trial remote session, feel free to contact us. Only direct and specific questions and requests will be answered, if you are unsure what you want message us with “I am unsure what I want but I am interested” any other forms will be replied to as you can imagine the levels of weirdness we get in this regard. Thanks for reading!

Power of Protocol

 

“What is the difference between abuse and BDSM?” Or “How can I tell if I am being abused in a BDSM relationship?”  and at times this even comes up as “What is the difference between a Dom and an Asshole” 

We are glad you asked! The code of BDSM is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  Safe here means you are only being hurt in the manner agreed upon in protocol. This is not only the physical logistics. Obviously, one must be informed as to how to properly operate all toys and equipment being used. It also crosses over into am I keeping the sub/ bottom safe in public play spaces when they are under my care. Am I aware of the space particularly if they are restrained in a fixed position and vulnerable? Another level being vulnerable.

Sane does not mean they have to be cured of all mental illness and symptoms. It does not even mean that they have to be in the best spot , what it means is they are in a place where they can think logically enough to know their limits. Considering what we are using BDSM for in this context, sane is going to be a moving target. If you are depressed and need to feel something to help lessen the gravity of the universe, then you might not be in your most sane state , but this is better than being in mania and wanting to try everything as you are pulled by a sense of grandiosity. Can you be honest with yourself and your partner in regards to what you.want. .

If the Top does not  feel they are in an adequate place to make these judgement calls themselves , then they would be doing the bottom a disservice and risking their health to carry on a scene. If you are a bottom and your top is angry, agitated or in any way in a spot where they might take out there bad place on you, decline to the bottom for them.  

It is not always so clear. Sometimes they have fooled themselves so well until you might not sense something is wrong until well after the fact. An example of this might be illustrated in what one of our Professionals had to say about a past experience. 

“ When I met my ex-wife ,BDSM was a central part of our relationship . This shifted to the point that eventually she only wanted to have vanilla sex. When this was brought up in couples therapy, she told our therapist. 

“I am not sure I was ever into BDSM I think I was just in a manic phase when we first met”  

Needless to say, that was a hard one to come back from.” 

The best mantra is .. “I am crazy, not a mind reader’. Communication is key, in the more lucid states that way we can convey to our partners the red lights to look for so they can make healthy choices for themselves.

Consensual has taken a few turns in the days of the #MeeToo movement. The current trend is to shout that consent can be withdrawn at any time even during a scene. This is true there are safe words and those should be honored. It is also important to have signed copies of protocol . Accountability is adulting. If we are in fact consenting adults then it is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone is not capable of doing this we refuse to work with them. 

If you have questions feel free to contact us. 

What We Are Doing

 In going forward with our look into mental illness and BDSM we will lean heavily toward bi-polar. We have personal experience with this so we are most  fluent in it.  That is not to say we do not deal with other conditions, it is on a case by case basis as some deal with stimulus better than others.  Many forward thinking doctors l agree that the DSM is used to prescribe medications. Mental health is on a spectrum. Not all  Bipolar 2s are going to share the exact same symptoms in the exact same ways. Just as survivors of sexual abuse can adapt in very different ways. Some might become hyper sexual while others  shut down sexually altogether.

“Why is there no mention of furries , littles , primals or my obsession with vampires, pirates Vikings etc? “

Because those things might fall into fetishes, but they are kink not BDSM. The same can be said of primarily sex based activity. No matter how far from vanilla sex these are. This includes fisting, sex bot and sex machines While it can be given sexual energy, BDSM in and of itself is about the power exchange and not sex. If it is just done for sexual stimulation without the power exchange it is a fetish not BDSM. this can crossover if it is intended to debase or humiliate the subject.  We are trying to facilitate and empathic healing experience as a top in the capacity of providing a therapeutic service. 

It is a misnomer that providing service is submissive. Medical play is a good example of this. It also shows where a kink crosses over into BDSM. The doctor or the nurse is in control of the actions performed so take on the role of top. This would change if the tables were turned, and the nurse was forced to perform oral sex on the patient in a consensual non consent fashion. If the patient was restrained and the nurse performed oral sex on them on their own accord then they would retain the top position. Given the nature of the work we are trying to do, consensual non consent as a form of exposure therapy is the very last thing we will discuss. It is the final frontier as it takes  a much greater sense of trust to suspend that sense of disbelief without being triggered. 

If you have questions or wish to discuss this path in further detail, please feel free to contact. When contacting, introduce yourself and state your interest and questions. Be very clear cut in what you would like to know, if you are unsure what your specific question is then say I am new but curious and we can provide information from there. As you can imagine we get all kinds of responses so we have to be direct in our dealings. Thank You for reading.

Your Inner Bondage

How did we get here in the first place ? This  question is not a simple one. It involves looking at the events in our lives that molded us. This narrative is not often heard, it is not a popular one in the kink community, which is great on escapism but personal accountability can be lacking.  . Since engaging in acts society might seem as deviant behavior creates certain stigmas, anything that points in a direction to perhaps people diagnosed with  bi-polar  disorder might have a higher chance of engaging in risky sexual behaviors ,  Much like the drug addicts and alcoholics are self-medicating their own issues. 

We are here to find a solution. Solutions can only be found by acknowledging the problem. If I was to trace back what got me into BDSM, we might look at the images currently fetishized and trace them backwards.  To this day I fetishize the  imagery. Wonder Woman’s  breasts  bulging against her bonds after being  chained to a  phallic rocket ship . However, need always comes first . There has to be the need for empowerment that started before this. You might see  where this train is going, you have started to think.  

“But wait I do not want to get into the therapy of this I just want to do this because I am curious if  BDSM feels good.” or you might be a dabbler who says “I just do it because it feels good” 

This is the definition of the term vanilla. I do not care if you are an experienced Shibari rope bunny, if you do it because it feels good, that it is vanilla.  Vanilla is the equivalent to a muggle when it comes to magic. It is a pedestrian state , a tourist or even a poseur. I think muggle is the most fitting comparison, since I feel that magic is based on focused intention. Doing things without intent is a state of sleepwalking.

 If this hurts your childish feelings , then it is time for you to wake up.  By wake up I do not mean that in terms of the Millennial phrase “woke”. They are still sleeping because whatever fashionable political rumor or opinion they read on social media is taken as fact, with society too lazy to look elsewhere for answers. That state of wakefulness is still asleep in requiring  no searching inward to find what resonates as truth, after being tempered with multiple perspectives and research.  

Western society is centered on instant gratification.  They want what they want when they want it. BDSM as we know it today came from the gay leather scene.  The lifestyle encompasses many expressions of sexuality.  Participants are  gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or falling into one of the many mixtures of sexuality and gender seen today.  I am all for every combination of this. On the kinsey scale I fall into the more butch side of bi-sexual .I tend to dominate men more than I engage in them sexually . We do not believe in right or wrong. I do not believe in good for evil. .I believe things are either effective or ineffective. It works or it does not work. If something doesn’t work it does not mean the problem is the action taking, it might just not be the most effective action for the situation . 

So if you are looking to find the most effective way to break out of ineffective patterns and dig into core issues in order to ground yourself back into your true self, feel free to contact us. When contacting us via Facebook, give us specific questions or just say and let us know what you are into.