Further Down the Path

 

Having always been left of center, this mission makes sense as it takes someone left of center to present a concept like this. As recently as the 1950s psychiatry was thought of as a new fleeting form of medicine that was just a fruitcake trend to the normal populace of the time. That makes this an even more stigmatized form of treatment though none less valid. The problem for most people is we are taking a stigmatized culture and applying it as the solution to a stigmatized problem.  Not only that but it is being brought to you by an ex-drug addict pagan who dresses up in leather and beats people for his kicks. 

This is nothing new as I have spent my life as the square peg for round holes. Yes, you with the dirty mind I can hear you snickering at that metaphor. All of my interests are making me a marginalized outsider. BDSM and my bi-polar disorder are only the tip of the iceberg. I am into horror movies a satanic heavy metal, I grew up immersed in goth culture, too goth for the metal kids and too metal for the goth kids. As an adult I still read comic books, watch horror movies and play Dungeons & Dragons though all the above is seeing a comeback as the geeks are inheriting the earth, built most of my life they have made me an acquired taste, 

My daughter took to wearing a wolf tail and her mother became concerned. She not only thought this would lead her to grow up and become a furry, but what would the other children think? To which I replied who cares? It is not like I was not a kid before with the same adjustment issues. I think it builds character. Granted I was a decent sized kid who knew how to fight. I did not carry myself as someone to bully. There were perhaps a few words about my long hair, I do not think these are any of the things that caused my fists to fly.  I think this also made me a champion of the loners. The takeaway here is that people can only see you as a stigmatized group if you let them. My therapist Sand who I told you I would reference throughout once said to me

'' We train people how we want them to treat us” 

This is not to say take a cue from teenage me and break out into fisticuffs. Though I AM Not going to pass judgement on you if it does come down to this. If you. If you do not care about what you think then your actions and the way you carry yourself in turn show them this. You are less drawn into their field of gravity as you would not give them the reaction, they are seeking in the first place. My friend who is an elderly black man was around for stonewall and the Studio 51 days. When the topic of gay marriage came up he said

“I do not see what the big deal is. If you want to get married go ahead and you do it. Why make a big show of it? Who cares what other people think, there is no need to make a scene about you and your partner or are you just trying to get approval? "

Do not engage in bdsm for the approval of your partner. Nor should you no pursue this if your partner doesn't approve of it as there are other people in the world that might need this connection. Perhaps they are married to someone with this attitude. It does not have to be a sexual thing, in fact if you make it one then it goes to show you are not getting your needs met in other areas of the relationship either, If thi is a topic that brings up resentments then there is an even bigger problem and they might not be the right partner for you, Sure relationships are about compromise , but that compromise is not compromising who you are. That is not love. They love the idea of you not who you really are.  This should not be something that brings up jealousy.

“But it is only human to have jealousy, in fact it is healthy” 

It is not healthy to try and allow your insecurities to stand in the way of someone trying to follow their true path to healing. This is not for everyone. But if it is for you then it is a must to have a supportive partner that knows this has nothing to do with them, except for the fact that by allowing you to strive towards being the most usefully whole version of yourself you are supporting the relationship as a whole. 

Feel free to contact us with any questions and book a free online consultation today

Roots of the Problem

 Whenever you reach the juncture where the Vanilla world intersecting with my world and curiosity is peaked  there comes the question 

 What got you into BDSM in the first place? 

The problem comes before the solution. My parents fell  somewhere on the less than healthy end of the mental health scale. Granted in the late 70s and early 80s mental health was not where it is today. This says a lot  since we still have a long way to go with mental health. A look at the prevalence of mass shootings fully confirms this . I am not making excuses for how my parents abused me. As a parent who is mentally ill, I can see how the trail of bad decisions and lack of self care could lead to that place. My amends to my parents is to do better with my child than they were able to do with me.  

Escape was the first coping skill I acquired. I made myself into a fantasy world. Enamored with monsters and superheroes , Transylvania was safer than the world outside my bedroom.  High fantasy like Tolkien and Robert E Howard’s Conan books painted landscapes for my imagination to travel. This was before the 90s gave rise to the anti-hero. Bat-man was still traipsing around with Robin in brighter colors than the ones he is shown today. My favorites were all outsiders and loners. Conan , the Hulk, Frankenstein and Tarzan. Other kids played with Hot Wheels and Transformers, while I played with action figures of the Universal Monsters.

 Those characters and my other heroes had one thing in common. They were all strong. Some endowed with superhuman strength than others. Frankenstein handled men like they were children. As a child being mishandled by adults the equation was simple: the stronger you were the more in control.   It is no mystery why superheroes have been important to me. They are empowered. Children have no power . This is magnified when you are abused at a young age.  The abuser is larger and more powerful, amplifying this feeling.  This instilled in my mind might be right. This is not a concept that is always untrue. Here we get into what is right and wrong.

I can tell you it was seeing Lynda Carter tied up as  Wonder Woman . That image stuck with me, but if I am being honest and not just surface level honest, is that the real reason? I could tell you the reason this book is called “Smell the Glove” is because it’s the name of a Spinal Tap album, and a wink to heavy metal imagery of leather and chains that pushed this idea further into the teen years.Are so called “normal” children stimulated by those things? What made them resonate with me is where we need to go . It is also where things are going to get complicated. I can see where this colored my choices . My earliest interest in domination was wrestling with other little boys. Always naturally strong this preoccupation with subduing people only continued. With parents who were somewhere on the unhealthy side of the mental health spectrum, 

This is not to say that you played a part when you were or even an adolescent. When you choose to drag it around into today as an adult then that is the part you play. 

“You are a man you could never understand what it is like to be raped and abused. 

“Thank you for bringing that up. When I was eight, my father was the pastor / leader for a bikers for Jesus movement. He took in his old Hells Angels buddies when they got out of prison. This was done in hopes to convert them. Even in the conversion process at least two of them like to get drunk and take turns raping 8 year old boys. Well one in particular … me. So in other words shut the fuck up. 

This launched me into adolescence with an excess of aggression.   BDSM is certainly the most appropriate avenue to channel this aggression in a healthy way. My choices were not always healthy. There are many theories tossed around by doctors. One is I was genetically predisposed to mental illness and  self medicated with drugs. Another would be mental illness was latent and the drug abuse brought it to the forefront. Whatever the case was, I spent 17 years doing drugs. The last six were serious heroin. I kicked heroin on my own and after a year of trying to drink, smoke pot and do cocaine like a normal person I enlisted the aid of the 12 step programs, as well an outpatient treatment. 

My greatest teacher during this period was my therapist Sandy. I would be dead today if not for her. Certain concepts like medication I was resistant to. I was sober for six years before I began taking medication, as the depression became too much to handle and I began making suicide attempts sober. During this time my diagnosis was a major depressive disorder. It was not until a few years ago that I was diagnosed with bi polar 2. The symptoms of my mania had been present along , but never identified. It manifests in anxiety, insomnia. Obsessive masturbatuion and hyper sexuality. To the point that Sandy had suggested I look into 12 step programs for sexual addiction.  It was cool to hear other people struggling with problems of that nature, looking back I have to wonder how many of them were just undiagnosed like me. Labelling myself a sex addict , only gave me feeling of guilt and shame which were the same feelings I medicated with drugs and alcohol. My mother’s drug was religion. As a result I was told these impulses were wrong and dirty. Jesus was watching me masturbate. If he was watching teenage boys do that, which I find hard to believe, he certainly was not a god I wanted anything to do with. 

Lets go back to masturbation. Due to being abused as a child, the need for control colored all the early sexual fantasies. In the 80’s a common trope in  science fiction was for the villain to create a resume of disdain  often some kind of would be tyrant in power, would capture the female protagonist or love interest of the male protagonist and upon capturing them would forcibly strip them or force them to strip in front of them. This introduced an element of humiliation. These scenes fueled my early masturbation excursions. I already had a fetish for women who looked like super villainesses, like Elvira and Sybil Danning.  This along with eroticizing any sexual elements in horror movies was the vehicle that carried me into my early sexual years as an adolescent. Taking a more dominant role with other high school girls. The fantasy was always better than the reality. 

Choking was the first common activity that crossed over. The imagery is of course all over heavy metal culture, particularly the band W.A,S,P that I was into who chained girls up to a rack and mock tortured them in concert. Things like this were alluded to in movies, the first dominatrix I remember seeing was in the horror movie “From Beyond” . If Hollywood was being used as the picture of what BDSM looked like then it seemed this was a role only taken on by women. There was no appeal in being handcuffed to a bed. It did not make sense to me, when girls I dated tried to take on this role, I simply overpowered them, the handcuffs were always so cheap I could break them . Being submissive was just not in my blood.

Thus began my journey into BDSM , for which I found a path I might turn the wounds of the past into strengths rather than live life as a victim. While I might not be a submissive, we have created a program which works for both types of the power dynamic. For further information feel free to contact us and keep reading here.

Where the Crying ends

 

We are not asking you to believe anything on blind faith . We are  asking you to keep an open mind. This might not be comfortable. Discomfort is often accompanied by growth . It is said that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. For now all you need to commit to is reading this blog. . Even experienced people in “the BDSM lifestyle  might find the angle we are coming at it from  odd. Others might see it as  even watered down. To them we ask “How is the quality of your life?” . Is engaging in play with a greater awareness is not something you  want ? 

The answer might be no. These days people  bury themselves in their phone to remain insulated in the bubble of their perception. This would not surprise us. We all like to feel good. We are addicted to it. How is it working for you? We never seek escape from our proudest moments. The healthier we are the more comfortable we are in our own skin. If you are in great health and not  overweight or over stressed, you might not need to hear any of this. Then carry on and further your curiosity.. We hope you will be entertained and find more ideas for feeling good .If your medicine cabinet is not as full as your liquor cabinet and you get more face to face time with your real life friends than Facebook, then you are also welcome to be a voyeur here. 

If you feel disconnected from family and friends, burned out on a job that is your entire identity and are enduring lies rather than enjoying it , then you might be ready to take a look at what got you there . You want to reconnect with yourself. You do have to have hit an emotional bottom or have had a mental breakdown in order to benefit from looking inward and rearranging the chairs. You can get off the elevator at any floor and do not have to go all the way down. Who said you had to stay fully dressed and not have fun in the process of fixing all this anyway?  Don’t worry we are not trying to turn you into the Marquis DeSade, just find a deeper connection with others by finding a deeper connection to yourself. 

But I am a dominant person I do not need any of this you argue. You need it more because if you are not in control of your self then how can you control others. How are you even worthy of controlling someone? Here come the cries of gatekeeping, saying bdsm is only for people with their shit together. Nevermind the fact this program is for people who do not, but these days logic is not so common so we have to explain things for the babies in the room. By babies we are not talking littles either. Whining attention seekers how have allowed outbursts of outrage to become their only coping mechanism. They are super prevalent in the kink community, as they tend to spring from the social misfits who are drawn to kink. They like getting their way and do not like working for it. Spoiled by an age of instant gratification it is easy to see how they go to this place. Here is where the crying ends and accountability begins. They healthiest you is what we are going for. This is also the most accountable one who has to own up to their bullshit and childishness, all ye who enter here know the bullshit stops at the door. .

To Boldly Go...

 

There is no straight line to this exploration . A girl on the popular social media site  Fetlife read some of my articles and  said 

“ I like them , but they were a little wavy getting to the point.” 

The most direct route of no explanation is the road of Muggles. I dislike the modern concept of Christianity, yet  the phrase “ seek first the kingdom of god” holds weight here. Seeking is an important concept in spirituality and magic. The term occult means hidden. In today’s age of instant gratification, Googling loses sight of the journey being more important than the destination. Everyone can gain different things from a journey. Not everyone's issues look the same, just as not everyone's solutions look the same. The one thing everyone on this particular journey is going to need is an open mind. Chances are you have that if you are willing to think out of the box enough to click on this article.. 

There are  fundamental concepts here that might challenge your current way of thinking.. If you are someone rooking for a way to supplement you current program of self care, just ask yourself 

“How is that currently working for you?”

 If your answer is in the range of  it is not, it could be better or I feel I need something more, Then this is something new to try. Perhaps BDSM itself is not new to you and you just need to approach it from a different perspective that better suits your needs or breaks stagnation.  

Looking at our Facebook interactions, it is clear some people might have varied reasons for joining us. Perhaps you are curious but skeptical. This entire concept of using BDSM as a source of therapy seems intriguing but entirely implausible. With even something the average person casts serious doubt on such as aliens, I ask them , but what if they did exist. There are many things mankind at one time did not believe in or think possible that are now working parts of our everyday life. These range from the  concept of quantum physics to the smartphone you might be holding in your hand and reading these words right now. As late as the 1970s that technology was something that would have been considered science fiction not science fact. As we have made  great strides in mental health, just watching the show “Mindhunter” reminds us that at one time there was not even a term for serial killers. The FBI did not see the importance of understanding abnormal psychology. If you were holding a book about BDSM you were likely in an underground porn shop and it was nothing more than surface level erotica.

The times have changed. Perhaps your  perspective is going to change as well . In some ways we are going to this blind and opening the door for further studies to come. There is no PHD program specific to BDSM. In fact this was part of my doctorate in Sex & Gender studies which is as close as we could come,. Doctors of varied schools of medicine have been consulted on both the presentation and the subject matter.  Much like key pieces of 12 step literature came from other alcoholics who had recovered, seeing how they could relate to the problem. I know for a fact there are a couple doctors who suffer from mental illness and  trauma as well as engage in BDSM. They have been interested in this concept, but being people of science, the concepts of metaphysical; energy perhaps coming into play during this process or how it might possibly spiritually ignite the change is where they find themselves beyond their comfort zone. We might get beyond yours as well.  

Until the next article - feel free to contact us via the Facebook page !

Beating the Meat of the Matter

It is time to get to the meat of the matter and start exploring the therapeutic practice of BDSM  

the next series of blog installments will be excerpts from a book we are writing on the topic that would be sitting on the shelves of bookstores now if a pandemic had not shut down the publishing house in New York we are working with.

 In a 2015 study by the University of Alabama on “Psychological Functioning and Violence Victimization and Perpetration in BDSM Practitioners” From the Coalition For Sexual Freedom. It was shown that older practitioners of BDSM have less issues of depression and anxiety than younger ones. This can mean one of two things. 

1- That due to the current environment in society there is a greater propensity towards mental illness that the older practitioners didn't grow up in thus making them healthier when they started BDSM. 

Or

 2- That due to the longer exposure to BDSM  they became healthier over time.  

If it was the second option,  if greater focus was placed on using BDSM as a therapeutic tool the results would be greater and occur faster.  The purpose of the study  was not to look at it as a tool of healing, but break a stigma that practitioners of BDSM were less prone to violence than their vanilla counterparts. The results were less or equal to their vanilla counterparts. This also could point in the direction of it having healing properties as they would have better coping skills and find themselves less likely to act out in a violent manner 

Given the name of the organization who conducted this study, breaking stigma was their approach to gaining their sexual freedom. If the emphasis was placed on mental health, it could result in becoming more comfortable in your own skin and realizing you already have sexual freedom. This is not conditional to the views of others. The better relationship one has with one’s self the less they care about meeting the approval of others. There are stigmas against mental health and alcoholism, but I take steps to take care of myself in this regard  leaving nothing for me to feel ashamed about. nor do  I care about what others think about me in this regard. I have my own approval and do not need to look outside of myself for that.  

The DSM 5 still listed masochism as a disorder under the condition of it  causing them or those around them stress. Due to the fact it also encompasses self harm such as cutting. I have spoken with and dated cutters. They  were conscious of the relief it brought them as a response to overwhelming feelings. I told them I did not pass judgement on this action. I do feel it is important they make sure this is an intentional act and not a compulsive one.  A more effective means of getting the same release would be through BDSM as it allows someone else to do that for you, alleviating feelings of guilt and making it more intentional as how they felt about themselves for this seemed to be the most damaging element. ; 

If you have  been abused it is easy to withdraw and avoid others. The world  can begin to look like a scary place full of people who might hurt you like you have been hurt before. Text messaging now furthers the illusion of connection. This helps us isolate, but at some point the cycle has to be broken . Freedom from  your affliction begins with making a decision. A decision that you want better for yourself. A belief you deserve better for yourself. This belief requires action to engage change. 

I am closing in on 20 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol. This process  required me to face the ghosts of  a past  I allowed to haunt me. BDSM helped take  power over them . It was just as important to me in this process as talk therapy or 12-step meetings. One thing the 12 step programs instilled  in me was the train of thought that in order to keep something you must give it away.  I am passing this onto you . I have also been a practitioner of BDSM in some form for over 25 years. The more self aware and intentional practice I am describing here began to come to me when I had been sober for about 4 years, making this an almost 14 year practice. It is a journey that has made me more confident with my shadow side and free from some of the haunting self deprecating dialogues survivors of trauma and abuse carry. 

feel free to contact us for more information regarding virtual sessions .  

The Path

 Back with another installment of our re-vamped blog. There has been a disturbing trend online where therapy is dismissed as something for rich people. This is to imply mental health is only the luxury for the upper class. This is bull shit, there are plenty of therapists who work on a sliding scale. But it is an easy distraction to say you can not afford something . What you are really saying when you take this narrative is self work is not something I prioritize. Lets look at the budget you have for things that are unhealthy coping mechanisms or distractions. How much do you spend in a week on  the following ... booze, weed,  cigarettes, sugar, video  games, online shopping, clothes you never wear, porn, dating, gambling, junk food?  This is your mental health budget you are choosing to waste it away on your coping mechanisms.

But you are taking all my fun away...no , we did not include, the gym, books, healthy food, art supplies, pets, or creative pursuits. No one said anything about not having fun , we just think you need to be accountable for your decisions and choices. Each one is towards either a healthier place or a unhealthy place. We do not go by the paradigm of right or wrong or good or evil here. We think of things as either effective or ineffective. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results. That action would be ineffective. Why would you do something that does not work?   More than likely this is due to not being present in your own life. 

We like to throw around the term woke these days, when really it means buying into one narrative. Woke should really mean present to not sleep walk through life and questioning every narrative not just accepting the popular ones. We do this as we want to be part of something bigger, when we should be focused on just being ourselves and finding our own truths not contingent on others. The word occult means hidden, Magic is about the seeking not the finding. So is the journey here. The path is before us and we will get into the concepts that you are clicking on here for ... ya know the kinky ones , but first we have to ensure we have proper focus and intention If you are interested in applying for one of the preliminary virtual therapy sessions free of charge, feel free to message us on our Facebook page or at wcifer@gmail.com . thanks for joining us on this path 

Re-Launching

 I had started this blog after getting divorced 4 years ago. Since then I started Subspace Station, rather than create an entirely new blog for it I think this Loving the Alien blog fits nicely as it continues with the space theme and started the journey of self -discovery in relationships which is crucial to what we are doing here at the Sub-Space Station. After all the concept of using BDSM as a vehicle for therapy is contingent on individual self work and this ritual is just a tool to get past blocks preventing that. If your interest in kink or BDSM is strictly just for kicks because it feels good, then  you might be in the wrong place and missing the point. While I am grateful for the outpouring of interest in the work we are doing here, let us be clear about what we are doing. 

We are helping others work through blocks some of these are mental and emotional. There are elements of both CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)  and ACT ( acceptance and commitment therapy) . This will be unpacked in future posts. The nuts and bolts of what we are doing here will all be laid out. I have seen some comments on the page of people who are confused about this. That is ok. Many people are confused about BDSM as a whole. Even in the so called kink community which tends to pride itself in being forward thinking these days. Funny enough it often tends to shy away from the personal accountable of self care, since that calls into question the party atmosphere it often aligns itself with. There are often BDSM themed tents at burns these days , or at least the pre- Covid days when people went to events like that. This seems to be missing the point, while some drugs used for recreational purposes can be also used for therapy, there is no miracle pill. Mental illness require disciplined lifestyle choices. This is where we tend to lose some of you because why not just trip and get your brain re-wired? Perhaps it can cause those changes , but if you go back to living your life in the manner you had been with all of your unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms , then nothing changes. 

BDSM is many ways is about self discipline . A sharp contrast to people who want to dabble in it because it feels good.  The D/S dynamic is about an energy exchange. If your energy is to be blunt ...shit, because you are a drug addict, alcoholic or a toxic person who uses your mental illness as an excuse then, you need to clean up your side of the street before you begin this process. Sure you have PTSD, which is one of things this was designed to treat, that does not mean , we are here to enable, people who adopt the victim thinking and identification to justify their self stagnation, this is for sick people who want to get better and are ready to do the work to get there. This is about empowerment not ineffective self narratives that keep you stuck. If this is for you and we will continue to peel back those layers of the onion, then welcome board the ship !