In Search of ...

 The difference between healing and fixing. Fixing is defined as - you are picking up their pieces for them and then allowing them to rely on you for this.

 

 Healing is the natural process by which they improve themselves. 

   

 Do not try to heal yourself with people who cannot provide this.  A sick person is fine if they are trying to get better, Rather than a person who just tells you what they think you want to hear.

 

Where do you start? Are their local education classes being offered by a local dungeon? If so, someone who is actively trying to learn more is a good candidate.  Speakers at local conventions  are worth approaching if they are local.  More often than not an even larger percentage of these people will know what they are doing. This is not just for bottoms it applies to tops as well. An experienced bottom might be able to give you more insight into what they need ,as well as have a higher tolerance for pain.  It is hard to achieve top space if you do not have the time to get into the flow.

 

 If vanilla dating is your last resort and just because you met someone on Fetlife or or a Facebook ground does not mean they are not vanilla. Munches however are a better option. 

BDSM consists of something that becomes a more formal agreement, actually hanging out and getting to know the person helps translate into a  better flow of energy. This gives time for things to develop  naturally rather than forcing things into place. There have been people I have dated , where we got along great and even had fiery chemistry in bed where we would have sex for half the day, but the styles of play when it came to BDSM were different.

 They tended to avoid it because I had a heavier hand than they were used to. Since this was more of a dating environment than a D/S one we passed the point of where developing a formal protocol would not have been awkward and felt contrived, despite having  filled out a protocol screener. A few things can be learned from this example.

 First there needs to be a clear-cut goal. This should be communicated upon meeting in person or first date whatever the case may be. In order to reach a destination, you have to agree that is where you are going. If you develop something more than a d/s formal relationship with this person, beware the new car smell of romance causes chemicals you can get lost in and this might simmer on the back burner. It does not have to be as far as dating , either meeting for coffee and having a couple hours of really connected communication can work just as well. I do not have a set guideline I go by. I have met people who have told me beforehand they do not engage in any type of play on the first meeting. Set rules are fine , but life is about balance. Becoming rigid with rules can also stifle things. If you have ever played Dungeons & Dragons or any board game for that matter where the moderator got so bogged down in rules little was accomplished in the course of game play taking some of the fun from it. 

The second thing we can learn from that example is protocol like any other form of personal inventory doesn’t do much good if you do not go anywhere with it. In sales the quicker the turn around on following up a lead the more likely you are to close the sale. After coming up with the treatment plan it’s best to set up a play session within three days. Much like internet dating, people's attention spans have grown shorter.  With Swipe culture people and experiences can be seen as more disposable than they once were. With millions of people at the tip of your finger without follow up connections can get lost in the shuffle. If you would like more guidance in this regard please feel free to message us for a free consultation in this regard. 

In Good Hands

 In early sobriety the question addicts must answer for themselves is 

“Who am I without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

In how someone in recovery relates to others this question becomes 

“Whom am I to others without drugs and alcohol in the equation?” 

Personal experience finding this answer led me to dating my now ex-wife. In the beginning of our relationship   BDSM was a huge part of the equation. 9 months later things shifted when she got pregnant.  The level of play no longer seemed appropriate . Due to the pregnancy she stopped taking her psych-meds. This caused another shift. One day I woke to find all my things from her house on the front steps of my apartment. She did not return my calls for a week. During this time she decided to have an abortion and did not want me any outside  influence her decision.

 She made the right decision and I would have supported whatever she chose to do in this regard. When we reconvened everything went back to some semblance of normal and later got married,  but things were never the same. This came up  in marriage counseling, she told the therapist that BDSM had been part of a manic phase on her part and it was not something her normal or healthy self was into. What I took away and verbalized in that session was .  

“So wait what I am hearing you say is while bdsm is a part of my normal everyday reality for you it is something for your crazy side, which must mean that you think I am crazy?” 

It felt like a bait and switch to me. This was not the sole reason for our divorce , but factored in as I saw it as a matter of principle. Another therapist put it this way. 

“She did not know who she was , since you are further in your journey and more sure of what you want from life it was not going to work out because you shined a light on her self deception” 

We do not expect BDSM to be for everyone. It is a reasonable expectation if compatibility in that area is something that is a key selling point to look at how you're selling yourself or being sold.

We are not selling BDSM, but hoping to open minds to the possibility of this exploration for healing, as there is still much  further study on this subject.  We seek only to provide an  avenue that has empowered us in our own  struggles with mental illness. We believe this can aid those s suffering from mental illness, trauma induced ptsd brought on by physical or sexual abuse. Often many of these conditions are comorbid. We will  Some ll respond better than others to this form of stimuli. Some conditions like schizoaffective disorders will not find this appropriate at all. 

This can be added to supplement your current existing treatment plan.  The big question here is your current partner, someone who is capable of investing the needed energy. Not only can they physically do it , but how healthy they are.  We always want to assume the best about them. If we are prone to codependent tendencies in this regard we might even stick our heads in the sand when it comes to them. In case that is you, let us cut through the bullshit with this handy dandy checklist of things that would disqualify them from the job. 

 

1-Active alcoholic or addict...if they have had consequences from their drinking or drugging ? Have you  ever wished they would drink less, then that is a yes.   

 

2-Do they have a constant need to distract themselves with ...social media, television or video games

 

… but wait, that is most of society. Most of society is not self aware. This is half the reason they use those things to stay in this state. And that is a yes. 

 

3-Have they ever hit you or been violent with you outside of the bdsm scene ? 

 

4-are they diagnosed with a mental illness that they refuse to seek treatment for ? 

 

5-Are they not interested in bdsm ? 

 

6- are they unwilling to engage in regular exercise or show little regard for their health ? 

 

Most of these questions boil down to is this someone striving to better themselves? Why would you want to be dominated by someone who wasn’t ?  On the flip side if you are a top type and your sub checks off these red flags as well m you might need to consider your role and if you are enabling this . We are not trying to fix any one, we are engaging in an intentional exchange of energy conducive to healing. 

 

Feel free to contact us in regard to a free virtual session

Creating Flow

 We compartmentalize ourselves. Thinking of ourselves as the problem rather than part of the solution. We seek outside solutions for inside jobs. BDSM is a ritual to unpack those issues and find your true self. The place dominants get into is called top space of the flow. There are other activities that spark this flow, by writing I am doing it right now. I will lose all track of time when the words start coming. This is due to allowing myself to channel the great creative energy of the universe. My view on organized religion has not changed If people want to personify it and give it a proper name, that is their business, we here do the same, we just prefer other names and different archetypes. 

But wait you are saying this flow state comes from being creative. How is BDSM being creative? How is it not. To some extent it is theater. We are in a place where we are creating an experience for someone else, who has turned themselves to under our control in this moment. Now just the action itself is not creative. This is why it is a waste to get too caught up in the investment of toys. BY placing too much focus on them you are not investing on getting the job done. It is more effective to be able to walk into a room and be like a kink Macgyver and immediately identify things to hurt people with.  

Taking a more intentional focus is lie changing. In our personal play we might not have used the more therapeutic personal touch this program is going to lay out. Giving touch to other makes you more willing to be open to those around me. In the early days of my I jumped or get ready to defend myself if any sudden movements were made in the direction t. One of my first actual dates in sobriety found me dissociating when the girl grabbed my hair when kisses me. I apparently said

“He doesn’t like it “ 

I tried to laugh off and act like I did not say anything. I was not too sure what happened as something trigger me and I way on the outside of myself looking in like a passenger in my own body being propelled outward as if from an ejection seat. This person was damaged in a somewhat similar way and understood. She went on her own journey in defining her sexuality, but we have retained a friendship for 20 years . Before doing the work I have done, I was not able to maintain healthy friendships not based around drugs and alcohol for any great length of time. Drugs were the one common ground I could find with like minded, and they kept them at arm's length giving the illusion of being close. Funny enough this is not unlike how most people interact on social media, which can also become an addictive process

To find out how to start your journey please contact us.