It's been a while since I have posted on here. Since I last blogged about dating and "love" a lot got shifted around for me in different directions and I find myself sorting through a vast amount of gray area as feelings are tricky. I have even gone back to the therapist my ex-wife and I used for pre-marital counselling as I had begun feeling overwhelmed by certain patterns in the situation I was in. This was useful as I get overwhelmed when I don't understand something. It has been clear cut that in regards to this person I love my brain is shitty. I overreact, I act against what outsiders might say is reason. Love is fucking crazy, but why was I fundamentally unable to do anything but become putty in this person's hands.
There is a science to it and my therapist broke it down for me. When I met this person I was coming out a of a depression, most of which had been brought on by my divorce. So the chemical simmer was ripe for being what she called "love bombed" by this person. We sent each other a flurry of at least a thousand texts a week in the first month. So when the brain gets this kind of positive re-enforcement it wants more, not unlike the high of cocaine. So this turned into a more compulsive form of attachment. Does this mean what I felt and my reasons for feeling that way were not real...no. Another dr told me the litmus test for real love versus a manic swing or other chemical discombobulation is judged by my actions. I think my actions up to this point have been rather self-less. Though by definition, love is a good feeling, as an addict I like good feelings so we are back into gray area.
The more secure you are the more ok you are with gray area. Aside from secure you could be insecure but have numbed yourself out with drugs or alcohol. This gives you more of a buffer. Other people can also be a buffer and combining alcohol into that equation makes things even messier. The darker clouds at the edge of the gray is the fear of getting hurt. Thinking I would be better off detaching than heading into the storm. My experience with the buffers is they didn't work to help me escape, but only reconfirmed how I felt about the person I was trying to emotionally distance myself from. Factor in mental health issues and things like the spotty self care that being in love can redirect you from and you have a formula fatal to the flesh.
But I am not turning this into a woe is me sort of thing, In the wake of my current situation, the pieces could be picked up and made into something else or I could cut my losses. What I can't do is walk away without recognizing what this person meant to me. Someone said if you are over her then it will be easier, but will still take time. Without the help pf drugs or alcohol which are no longer options for me anymore I do not know how to turn emotions off. It's just not something that is in my control. What I have been doing to process things is continue writing , one of the projects is turning the thousands of texts we sent one another into a narrative. It might just be for my own personal use, never to see the light of day. So if you came here to read my pearls of wisdom on this issue , the ones I have are sparse and the only thing that rings true is the stay try to yourself amid it all , to not resent the other person or your self.
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