Where the Crying ends

 

We are not asking you to believe anything on blind faith . We are  asking you to keep an open mind. This might not be comfortable. Discomfort is often accompanied by growth . It is said that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. For now all you need to commit to is reading this blog. . Even experienced people in “the BDSM lifestyle  might find the angle we are coming at it from  odd. Others might see it as  even watered down. To them we ask “How is the quality of your life?” . Is engaging in play with a greater awareness is not something you  want ? 

The answer might be no. These days people  bury themselves in their phone to remain insulated in the bubble of their perception. This would not surprise us. We all like to feel good. We are addicted to it. How is it working for you? We never seek escape from our proudest moments. The healthier we are the more comfortable we are in our own skin. If you are in great health and not  overweight or over stressed, you might not need to hear any of this. Then carry on and further your curiosity.. We hope you will be entertained and find more ideas for feeling good .If your medicine cabinet is not as full as your liquor cabinet and you get more face to face time with your real life friends than Facebook, then you are also welcome to be a voyeur here. 

If you feel disconnected from family and friends, burned out on a job that is your entire identity and are enduring lies rather than enjoying it , then you might be ready to take a look at what got you there . You want to reconnect with yourself. You do have to have hit an emotional bottom or have had a mental breakdown in order to benefit from looking inward and rearranging the chairs. You can get off the elevator at any floor and do not have to go all the way down. Who said you had to stay fully dressed and not have fun in the process of fixing all this anyway?  Don’t worry we are not trying to turn you into the Marquis DeSade, just find a deeper connection with others by finding a deeper connection to yourself. 

But I am a dominant person I do not need any of this you argue. You need it more because if you are not in control of your self then how can you control others. How are you even worthy of controlling someone? Here come the cries of gatekeeping, saying bdsm is only for people with their shit together. Nevermind the fact this program is for people who do not, but these days logic is not so common so we have to explain things for the babies in the room. By babies we are not talking littles either. Whining attention seekers how have allowed outbursts of outrage to become their only coping mechanism. They are super prevalent in the kink community, as they tend to spring from the social misfits who are drawn to kink. They like getting their way and do not like working for it. Spoiled by an age of instant gratification it is easy to see how they go to this place. Here is where the crying ends and accountability begins. They healthiest you is what we are going for. This is also the most accountable one who has to own up to their bullshit and childishness, all ye who enter here know the bullshit stops at the door. .

To Boldly Go...

 

There is no straight line to this exploration . A girl on the popular social media site  Fetlife read some of my articles and  said 

“ I like them , but they were a little wavy getting to the point.” 

The most direct route of no explanation is the road of Muggles. I dislike the modern concept of Christianity, yet  the phrase “ seek first the kingdom of god” holds weight here. Seeking is an important concept in spirituality and magic. The term occult means hidden. In today’s age of instant gratification, Googling loses sight of the journey being more important than the destination. Everyone can gain different things from a journey. Not everyone's issues look the same, just as not everyone's solutions look the same. The one thing everyone on this particular journey is going to need is an open mind. Chances are you have that if you are willing to think out of the box enough to click on this article.. 

There are  fundamental concepts here that might challenge your current way of thinking.. If you are someone rooking for a way to supplement you current program of self care, just ask yourself 

“How is that currently working for you?”

 If your answer is in the range of  it is not, it could be better or I feel I need something more, Then this is something new to try. Perhaps BDSM itself is not new to you and you just need to approach it from a different perspective that better suits your needs or breaks stagnation.  

Looking at our Facebook interactions, it is clear some people might have varied reasons for joining us. Perhaps you are curious but skeptical. This entire concept of using BDSM as a source of therapy seems intriguing but entirely implausible. With even something the average person casts serious doubt on such as aliens, I ask them , but what if they did exist. There are many things mankind at one time did not believe in or think possible that are now working parts of our everyday life. These range from the  concept of quantum physics to the smartphone you might be holding in your hand and reading these words right now. As late as the 1970s that technology was something that would have been considered science fiction not science fact. As we have made  great strides in mental health, just watching the show “Mindhunter” reminds us that at one time there was not even a term for serial killers. The FBI did not see the importance of understanding abnormal psychology. If you were holding a book about BDSM you were likely in an underground porn shop and it was nothing more than surface level erotica.

The times have changed. Perhaps your  perspective is going to change as well . In some ways we are going to this blind and opening the door for further studies to come. There is no PHD program specific to BDSM. In fact this was part of my doctorate in Sex & Gender studies which is as close as we could come,. Doctors of varied schools of medicine have been consulted on both the presentation and the subject matter.  Much like key pieces of 12 step literature came from other alcoholics who had recovered, seeing how they could relate to the problem. I know for a fact there are a couple doctors who suffer from mental illness and  trauma as well as engage in BDSM. They have been interested in this concept, but being people of science, the concepts of metaphysical; energy perhaps coming into play during this process or how it might possibly spiritually ignite the change is where they find themselves beyond their comfort zone. We might get beyond yours as well.  

Until the next article - feel free to contact us via the Facebook page !

Beating the Meat of the Matter

It is time to get to the meat of the matter and start exploring the therapeutic practice of BDSM  

the next series of blog installments will be excerpts from a book we are writing on the topic that would be sitting on the shelves of bookstores now if a pandemic had not shut down the publishing house in New York we are working with.

 In a 2015 study by the University of Alabama on “Psychological Functioning and Violence Victimization and Perpetration in BDSM Practitioners” From the Coalition For Sexual Freedom. It was shown that older practitioners of BDSM have less issues of depression and anxiety than younger ones. This can mean one of two things. 

1- That due to the current environment in society there is a greater propensity towards mental illness that the older practitioners didn't grow up in thus making them healthier when they started BDSM. 

Or

 2- That due to the longer exposure to BDSM  they became healthier over time.  

If it was the second option,  if greater focus was placed on using BDSM as a therapeutic tool the results would be greater and occur faster.  The purpose of the study  was not to look at it as a tool of healing, but break a stigma that practitioners of BDSM were less prone to violence than their vanilla counterparts. The results were less or equal to their vanilla counterparts. This also could point in the direction of it having healing properties as they would have better coping skills and find themselves less likely to act out in a violent manner 

Given the name of the organization who conducted this study, breaking stigma was their approach to gaining their sexual freedom. If the emphasis was placed on mental health, it could result in becoming more comfortable in your own skin and realizing you already have sexual freedom. This is not conditional to the views of others. The better relationship one has with one’s self the less they care about meeting the approval of others. There are stigmas against mental health and alcoholism, but I take steps to take care of myself in this regard  leaving nothing for me to feel ashamed about. nor do  I care about what others think about me in this regard. I have my own approval and do not need to look outside of myself for that.  

The DSM 5 still listed masochism as a disorder under the condition of it  causing them or those around them stress. Due to the fact it also encompasses self harm such as cutting. I have spoken with and dated cutters. They  were conscious of the relief it brought them as a response to overwhelming feelings. I told them I did not pass judgement on this action. I do feel it is important they make sure this is an intentional act and not a compulsive one.  A more effective means of getting the same release would be through BDSM as it allows someone else to do that for you, alleviating feelings of guilt and making it more intentional as how they felt about themselves for this seemed to be the most damaging element. ; 

If you have  been abused it is easy to withdraw and avoid others. The world  can begin to look like a scary place full of people who might hurt you like you have been hurt before. Text messaging now furthers the illusion of connection. This helps us isolate, but at some point the cycle has to be broken . Freedom from  your affliction begins with making a decision. A decision that you want better for yourself. A belief you deserve better for yourself. This belief requires action to engage change. 

I am closing in on 20 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol. This process  required me to face the ghosts of  a past  I allowed to haunt me. BDSM helped take  power over them . It was just as important to me in this process as talk therapy or 12-step meetings. One thing the 12 step programs instilled  in me was the train of thought that in order to keep something you must give it away.  I am passing this onto you . I have also been a practitioner of BDSM in some form for over 25 years. The more self aware and intentional practice I am describing here began to come to me when I had been sober for about 4 years, making this an almost 14 year practice. It is a journey that has made me more confident with my shadow side and free from some of the haunting self deprecating dialogues survivors of trauma and abuse carry. 

feel free to contact us for more information regarding virtual sessions .